HOW TO CATCH A BIRD

I have always loved birds. I think they are incredibly stupid, but interesting to watch.
They are filthy, slimy things, but whenever I see a dead one on the ground I contemplate the fragile complexity of life. Birds are awesome.

When I was young, I wanted to catch a bird. As a pet or a friend or whatever. So I tied an extension cord to a crate, wrapped it around a tree branch and threw birdseed underneath it. I waited a long time for birds to come down and then I would release the crate, scaring them all away. I did this all day. I caught one, but it flew through the holes in the crate. I was stupid. You can see the picture I drew when dreaming this idiotic idea up.

I invented a NEW way to catch birds. It's pretty ingenious, if I do say so myself. Well, it works, at least.

You too can catch a bird if you follow these steps.

[SUPPLIES]:  · [See Diagram 001]. · Bait. Bread, or maybe bird seed. · Something heavy, like a brick or a big brick. · a glue trap. it is a piece of sticky cardboard that you can buy for about 2 bucks in the pesticide section at CVS.

[STEPS]:   1. Go outside, and on a table or something, peel off the top of your glue trap, and put the brick on a side of it. This is so that when the bird gets trapped, it doesn't fly away with your trap. That would be funny, but not environmentally conscious. Yeah, I guess.   2. Put the bait on the glue of the trap, and around it, but not too much. The focus should be on the trap. [See diagram 002].   3. Go inside and wait. It can take up to an hour.   4. When a bird lands on the glue, it will not be able to fly away, it will panic until it can't move at all. [See diagram 003]. Go outside and rescue it. Carefully remove the bird from the trap, try not to hurt it, or get pecked. The most dangerous thing about the bird will be the diseases it carries, unless it is a Bald Eagle or something. Be careful it is not a bird of prey.   5. Once you have removed the bird, do what you want with it. [See diagram 004]. Throw it in your sister's bedroom and close the door. She will have a pleasant surprise when she comes home. Or release it. Or eat it. Or keep it as a pet. 6. Remember, this can be practical. Like, if your parrot or finches escape. Or if you are in the woods and have to catch birds to eat. I don't know why you'd have a gluetrap in the woods, but maybe you're crazy. Happy Trapping!   Note: I'm not sure which states would constitute this as animal cruelty or not, so I am not legally responsible if you get arrested because you catch a rare Endangered Fiber Banana Spider Sparrow. You can only blame yourself, and of course, the stupid bird. But not me.

CLICK TO ENLARGE: [DIAGRAM 001:] [DIAGRAM 002:] [DIAGRAM 003:] [DIAGRAM 004:] [DIAGRAM 005:]

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